Hannuka1

I think I am going to start writing fanfiction... what do ya'll think?

It's been almost a month since my breakup with my ex boyfriend, and let me just say it's been quite a learning experiance. I learned the values of choosing your boyfriends/girlfriends, and I learned that while the idea of being in a relationship is fun, it's better to be single and not worry about others so that you can build on yourself and figure out who you are instead of tying yourself down to one person and thinking that that's that, and there's no point in continuing your maturing.
I will admit I've been acting a little strange lately, I've been acting ultra weird and hitting on guys... and girls. So, I'm just gonna say it:
I am bisexual. There, I said it. I just pieced that together. I've been wondering if I was for a long time, like the past year or so. And the other day my little brother came up to me and told me he was worried about me because I was acting stange and he thought i was depressed or something, when really i was acting ultra happy and weird. But after what he said, i started thinking about how i was acting, and realizing that there maybe was something up with me.
A good friend of mine helped me figure it out via skype. He's pansexual and open about it. I told him about my predicament and he asked me if i liked guys or found them attractive. I said yes. He asked if i checked out girls or found them hot. I said yes. He reminded me that I've been saying i was bi-curious for weeks, and then told me that if i found women attractive and wanted girlfriends as well as boyfriends than i was bi, not bi-curious. After we got off of skype, i sat with it for a while and realized that what he was saying was true, and that i really was bi.
I am not ashamed of it. I realized this last night, and today i came out to my friends. It was funny because they all already kind of knew and asked me if I really was just figuring that out about myself. I said yes, i am amazing in seeing it in others, but not myself. I am unashamed, and if you don't like that, then don't come to me with your bullshit about me going to hell or being sick or anything because that's ignorance and nothing annoys me more than people who think that they are right and everyone else is wrong and they base most of their beliefs on religion and they're ignorant to any other opinion or the reality of the situation.
If you tell me that I'm going to hell for being a fag and that there's still time for me to "turn from temptation" i will laugh in your face and tell you i was going to hell before i came out so you know what fuck you I do not care what you think because it will never change me i can't help being the way I am. I am an agnostic Jew, I lost my virginity before marriage, i cuss like a sailor, and I'm bi. Deal with it. I am not looking for anyone's approval, especially those of the ones ignorant and foolish enough to think that i cared that they think i'm going to hell. I am me, deal with it.

They say being in love is the best feeling in the world, and to a certain extent, it really is. You have someone there who's there for you always, no matter what the time of the day is, and someone to make you feel beautiful, special, loved, sexy... etc. Don't take it for granted, but don't let it escape or fall into it so easily.
I just learned that the hard way.
Las September, one of my best friend signed me up for this sight i later learned to be a dating site, and i met a guy. He was kind, funny, cute, sweet, respectful, you name it. We talked for a while, and then exchanged phone numbers, learning that we only lived ten minutes away from each other. We skyped, texted, and talked for about a month, and then he asked me out, and to be his girlfriend. I agreed to meet him first, and when we first went out, it was magical. We went to the mall and walked around, talking about everything and anything. We became official that day. For a few weeks, everything was perfect, and then i realized i was falling in love with him, and when i told him i loved him, he said he loved me. I gave myself to him, and i let him into my life in a way I've never let anyone in. He was special, and he made me feel amazing. I didn't feel beautiful until after he started telling me I was. We were together all through October, November, and December, and all of January. We would meet up and just enjoy each other, make each other feel amazing and loved. He was my first love.
Two days ago, he called me and told me we had to talk. He said he thought we were better off as friends. He told me he still loved me and he always will and would be there for me 24/7 and he wanted to be my shoulder to cry on when i neeeded him. He told me that the physicality of our relationship made him feel dirty and he couldn't do it. He said there wasn't anyone else for him, but he couldn't be in a relationship, anymore. He said to keep all the gifts he gave me because they were symbols of his love and the fact that he still loves me, even though he was ending our relationship.
When he hung up, i burst into tears, and called a friend to tell her what happened and ask her what i should do. She told me she was going to beat the shit out of him for doing that, and we both agreed something must have happened in his homelife that affected our relationship or he was overwhelmed by something and couldn't do it anymore. She told me i was going to be ok, and she agreed to come see me the next day to comfort me and help me out. I talked to three more people that day and my parents.
I hid the gifts he gave me from sight. I couldn't bring myself to part with them-they're too personal to part with. I cried for a few more hours, and my parents held me for a while and let me let go. I told my mom the honest truth about how we met.
I don't know what i should do. I love him so much, and no matter what, i can't hate him for doing what he did. I want to know more about why, but i can't bring myself to hate him, i never could. No matter what, he has a place in my heart that can't be changed or erased, no matter how much i wish to forget. He was the only guy to make me feel that amazing, the two relationships i was in before that were flings more or less and they didn't have feelings like the ones i had for this guy at all. I liked the first one, and the second one i was confused. This one was real. The first time I've ever felt this way about anyone, and i can't help but feel used. I gave myself to him months ago, so I know that that's not why he did it, but I can't help but wonder why. Why did he do this to me? Why now? What happened? Did i do something wrong?
I don't blame myself, but I know the feeling to want to is still there. I want to scream, shout, cry, break stuff, and then go to him and demand explanations, but I can't. I don't have it in me to do that. Now anything related to him I see makes my heart ache and my eyes burn. And it's because i loved him more than anything. And he took my heart, ripped it from my chest, and beat it to a bloody pulp, and then set it on fire, and left the ashes to blow away in the wind.
So know this, my friends, when you're in a relationship and you're young, like me, don't let yourself fall. Don't let yourself be easy for someone to sink their hooks so deeply into you to the point where there's no turning back. If you're together for so long that you develop real and true feelings for each other, that's great, and I'm happy for you, but don't put yourself in a position where letting go if you need to becomes painful, like me. I was a fool and let myself fall for someone who let me go so easily, when he told me for months he loved me more than anything in the world.
I will be ok, in time, but for now, I can't stand love, and I can't stand Valentine's Day, which is coming up soon.

Okay, so I was planning on watching American Idol tonight with my family -- couldn't though, mom wasn't home -- and instead I went onto my laptop and they happened to be talking about who went home tonight... here is what I have to say about it:

Joshua leaving, in my opinion, is one of the biggest disappointemts ever on American Idol. I have seen him pretty much every week since he hit the top ten, and I thought he would at LEAST get to the top two with Jessica Sanchez. Both are incredibly talented, and I think that They're both better than Phillip Phillips. If either Josh or Jessica had won if the two were the top two I would have been happy. Joshua has true talent, an amazing voice, and when he performs, he actually puts on a show that keeps you interested. I remember seasons where the contestants all looked like people standing center stage, singing kareoke. I am glad that he is getting a record deal and he will for sure do very will in the entertainment business, but I still feel like Phil should have gone home. He's one of those "like or don't like" singers.
This is simply my opinion, though some might disagree, and feel free to do so; it's your choice to disagree with me.

That is what I have to say about it. It's like season 8 all over again. For me, the highlight of the show tonight was Adam Lambert performing. I am pretty much in love with the guy, for obvious reasons -- if you're a fan, you know what I'm talking about -- and watching him lose on American Idol was painful enough, I just have to say this: Jessica Sanchez better win, otherwise... there's something wrong with this country, seriously.